did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
