i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
