We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
