he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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