I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
