he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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