Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
