If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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