is your mom at the bar?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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