those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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