im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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