Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
