I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
