it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
