Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
