So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
