Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
