In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
