i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
