So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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