Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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