Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
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