i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
