Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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