When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
So much Jack, so little girl.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
