Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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