apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
