dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
