Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
