thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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