the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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