She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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