neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
