and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
