I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
