Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
