DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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