So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
