I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
