my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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