Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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