My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
God, I missed his penis.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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