Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
