I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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