Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
