its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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