her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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