remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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