People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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