you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
