i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
