The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
